I is for Infertility

When I started this blog I wanted honesty but when confronted with “F” I panicked. I could have posted about Familiars, Full Moons, or even Flaming Hot Cheetos but I was caught on Fertility. How can I talk about the goddess in her bounty, when I had so many conflicts with my own. So, let’s skip to “I” where I can confront my Fears.

I was 15 when the term “infertility” came frankly out of my doctor’s mouth. Three years of irregular and painful cycles landed me on birth control pills well before I needed them to prevent pregnancy. In college worsening symptoms lead to diagnosis of Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome. The weight gain and mood swings made me feel disconnected with everything, including my own body. I lived within walking distance of the beach. I could hear the ocean flow from my bedroom window but could not find a rhythm of my own. I identify as a witch because I yearn to feel connected. When the moon is high I can see for miles, summer sun tingles my skin and ignites my mind, clusters of birds in my path are a sign of luck. I want to understand my own essence but these broken paths are difficult to overcome.  How can my body be so resistant to the most basic of female nature?

In popular culture women go to witches for two reasons, love and fertility. There is no magic spell for my condition but I do believe in the power of will. Rituals ground me in my actions and chanting affirmations bring my mind into a space that allows freedom from inner turmoil. The moon can keep my cycles for me. I am filled with love and motherhood comes in many forms. In my years as a wildlife rehabilitator I have given thousands of furry and feathered young their start. More recently I have connected people with pets through animal shelter adoption programs. Maybe one day my husband and I will bring a tiny human into our family through adoption. Infertile does not mean without. I will never experience birth but the world is always in need of open hearts.  When you are open to love, biology doesn’t matter.

(number 36 on week 18 of the pagan blog project)

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